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Men – feelings? May 1, 2006

Posted by clenchedfist in All Posts.
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Women keep whining about the fact that her man is such a closed book. They keep saying I pour my heart and soul out to him. I ask him to please be more open with me and share his other side. It is hard for me to love him completely when he shows only the perfect side of him. I trust him and believe he has good intentions, even if he talks about superficial things too much. I think he's pretty serious because he wants to live together. He does say he loves me a lot, but that isn't enough anymore.

However here is something that women should consider about guys is that most of the time it is socially unacceptable for men to display their feelings. Men who show their feelings tend to be disparaged as weak both by their male peers and by the women they date. The results are rarely good for said male.
If you're at the stage where you're willing to let him open up to you without thinking negatively about him…then good for you; but he may not yet be ready or comfortable.
Women, I hate to say it, say lots of things they don't mean simply because they think it sounds good. Its simply something I've learned, and what I imagine a lot of guys have learned, through personal experience. Trusting what women say is a hit or miss game, and a game each and every male has to play his own way without assistance.

In time, we will open up…maybe not as much as you would like, but we will do so the more you stand by him, the fewer games you play and the more we start to trust you. But keep in mind that guys are rarely ever respected if they show their feelings to anyone…so if you've got a great guy then stay with him, but try to understand his point of view from a sociological perspective.

But once he does…

Magically the "chemistry" will dissolve.

Isn't it a recurring theme that men don't open up enough, and women say it bothers them? Honestly you have to expect this from men. We have no real emotional output or support. Lets be real.. if you weren't already so in love with him you wouldn't think too highly if he opened up emotionally. Sure maybe ONCE in a while… but being outwardly emotional is something women generally have the benefit of doing.

Make no mistake. It's not that men can't be emotional or don't feel similar things. We are just convinced that you don't really want to hear it. Try going to some group that's there to help men in trouble… like getting through tough spots in marriage, or getting over addictions, etc. They open up and are often VERY emotional. But these groups aren't everywhere… So only time a man can open up like this is if his life has fallen apart.

Given the choice between a sensitive caring man who often shares his emotions and how he's feeling and a man who keeps it to himself and only supports you and YOUR emotions… we know how women respond. You want your men to be men, and not women. Men hold on to this and think your attempts to ask how we feel is a trap or just how you're expressing your emotions. So if we don't express ourselves and you get a little upset it's fine. It's not likely you'ld want the alternative of a guy who opens up as much if not more than you do. You'ld end up resenting him, losing respect for him, or just lose your attraction to him.

Hence, how can we lose by keeping it to ourselves? Everything about a man opening up to a woman (other than VERY VERY rarely in specific occasions) spells disaster.

Men who open up and are sensitive and emotional are "NICE GUYS" And we all know how well nice guys do. Not talking about a guy who's just nice. I mean a guy who's more of a woman, because he's so nice and open and caring that it disgusts you as a woman. All this man can represent is a friend.

Appreciate the difference between you 2. If he's not as open emotionally then let it be. Maybe focus on his current emotions rather than the past. And PLEASE… do not ask "how do you feel"

That is a question men ask women which allows YOU to open up and TALK. Men prefer a more specific question. Like you could ask if he got that promotion, or did he accomplish what he set out to do today, etc.

A strong man CAN open up and express how he feels because he's confident in himself. If someone responds negatively towards him for opening up he no longer needs to speak to that person.

But men lack good role models. Everything is to benefit women today. Far as I can see it looks like women have all the benefits while still complaining. While men have limited range of what they can do.

So it could actually take a STRONGER man to open up. And this is perhaps the more ideal man (for women). But for the averge guy all he knows is that he gets his head bitten off for expressing anything. So it's in his best interest to SUCK IT UP AND BE A MAN!

It helps guys to have one or two good friends with whom they can share details of their emotional lives…with the understanding that it will be mutual. When one guy opens up and the other doesn't, then the friendship becomes a power relationship which should be avoided at all costs. But if both guys realize that society dictates we shouldn't show feelings, but still recognizes that it needs to be done, then it's fine.
However, guys aren't as emotional as women so I would be suspicious of guys who have too many "good" friends they share their emotions with; these tend to be weak men who can't manage their lives or their issues.

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Comments»

1. jax - May 4, 2006

First thing, men do have feelings and emotions (although a lot different from what women feel , perhaps)

Secondly, expressing feelings to other men or women does not kill attraction or create power struggle by itself.

The important thing is to remain in character while you do so.Remain a man. Dont turn into a woman. When you are the confessor who is coming out clean or when you are the confessee, who is listening to the other describe his feelings and emotions, be a man. Now being a man is no easy job. There is an elaborate set of rules you discover for yourself as you grow up.And there are, like you said, traps laid around you, that try to suck you into the wussworld.

Focus on building your character and you wont have a thing to worry about. If you ARE a wussy and you go hiding it from the women you meet, eventually you’ll be caught with your pants down. Learn to identify your emotions, take responsibility for them, learn to express them in appropriate ways befitting a man. That should do to shut the whining women up and not run away from you.

2. clenchedfist - May 18, 2006

excellent point.. but let me elaborate on power struggle…i speak from experience…

as my previous post spoke of facade.. there are certain so called friends.. who are just that on the face.. however deeply there is this rotten desire which basically is looking for that one day where this so called friend can point his finger at you and say ‘there i’m more successful than you are’. infact i knew (note past tense) someone with a similar attitude. it didn’t go far. i was just generally having my usual funda talk with him and i had asked him.. say that you’re best friend of years happens to be in the same line as you are and you’ll happen to work in the same line of work.. what will be your outlook to this?

i was shocked at the reply. to me it just didn’t seem right. little do i have to say that our ‘friendship’ didn’t last long. the reply was…

‘sure we’re best of friends… but at end of day i’m competing with him and i’ll try my best to defeat him’.

all i’m saying is think real hard before you open that tap. there are people like this out there. as men.. we need to refrain ourselves more because our social programming has viewed us to be less emotional as compared to women. not to say that there aren’t an equal share of bitches there too… just as far as men are concerned.. if you must open the tap.. do so with the right person…because the competition/success/achievement gene or the desire for them is much stronger in men as compared to women… and they might all in the end use all you said against you.. to achieve ‘success’… and that’s when you realise.. i should have kept my mouth shut.

now as far as women and wussies are concerned… no woman i repeat no woman wants to know about your emotional problems at the time of courtship… and no matter how much we deny it… social programming coming in again… they expect US to provide them with emotional support.. all that pillar and shit talk… if they look up to us to be their supporting pillar… being emotional could be wrongly interpreted as weak by some of them… even though its not true..

bottom line… small things one should suck it up as a man… for the rest.. hope you have that trustworthy someone to share it with…

btw now i remember.. i had read a saying once.. although i don’t know how true it is..’real gentlemen never show emotion’… it apparently is a saying among the butlers in britain and although they are man servents they never have any emotion of sorrow on their face or something like that…

3. marilyn - June 1, 2006

I have a male friend that say men think completely different then women. He say men only want sex and cant love. That women want the loving part of a relationship and men only think of the sex part of the relationship.

4. clenchedfist - June 4, 2006

marilyn.. he was right as in the fact that men and women do think very differently.. but men only thinking about sex is wrong/naive on his part… you think we don’t crave for true love? you think we don’t wish for that one woman we could cherish all our lives? come on… sure we crave for sex too.. after all its perfectly natural for us isn’t it?!.. but sex being the ONLY thing we’re after is wrong.. most probably spread by women who couldn’t provide us with anything else than a hot bod… i think we crave for true love more than women! its just our ways of expressing it are not the same…

5. Lauren - October 15, 2008

Wow… this article was a twinge misogynistic and terribly written. Boo Sir.

6. Sam - March 20, 2011

Lauren Agreed :)

A bit hypocritical no? You spend the whole article talking about how men are unjustly ridiculed for opening up-then closes by saying’ REAL men shouldn’t do it too much.’

>>>However, guys aren’t as emotional as women so I would be suspicious of guys who have too many “good” friends they share their emotions with; these tend to be weak men who can’t manage their lives or their issues.<<<

I would really like to know why men seem to think they own the market on dignity. Why do u think women don' care about being strong. If someone said its 'ok' if YIURE stupid because its natural- would u think that somehow is NOT demeaning/ Same thing with saying its 'ok' to be emotional because its natural. Emotional has come to mean 'weak' as you just said & women r no more likely to enjoy being 'weak' then men. Just because u may have had sex with the 5 women who r emotional basket cases- doesn't mean thats how the world operates. & HAVING RECOGNIZING EXPERIENCING EMOTION, is not the same as being emotional or weak. I HAVE cutlery- doesn't mean I AM a fork. And everyone has rules of conduct again omen care about reason, just as much- if not more so then Men.

I often hear people say that women get the benefit of being 'allowed to be emotional'- def no more benefit then men. Its a bit worse actual. We are EXPECTED to be emotional, therefore called emotional- regardless of what we actually do. Being called 'emotional- this is supposedly what men wish to avoid & CAN avoid, as long as they don't ACT emotional'. It doesn't matter HOW a woman acts- more often then not she is assumed to be and related to as tho she is 'emotional'. Which in case you live under a rock -or happen to be exceedingly rational & psychologically healthy yourself- is most often used as a euphemism for 'irrational.
( I would give a definition- but it's pretty arbitrary which is why I have it in quotations. The definition is usually subject to change & based on the opinion of the observer & whether or not they wish to be offensive or are themselves offended. W/e the definition it is universally understood to be pathetic).

I don't see the point of saying women do this or men do this -when obviously not all of either do w/e the 'this' is. Even IF most did- & we really don't know if that's true- it doesn't help objectivity to use that as a paradigm. That's like saying well MOST people are not alergic to nuts so its OK to feed everyone peanuts.

Personally, I very rarely-if ever talk about how I feel. I made a point of not doing it from a very young age. I thought it sounded silly. & Who the hell wants to hear about an individuals feelings per se- I mean as conversation. Of course everything in its time & place with people who can help. But not over coffee- its irritating.There's a whole world out there. You can't recognize that if you're obsessed with how you feel personally- if you're not trying to solve something I don't see the point.. Not that being able to feel , recognizing how you feel, controlling your emotions,. using intuition to gain insight, etc are not extremely valuable traits capacities abilities- the opposite of having affect is being sociopathic which is dangerous,. but having & controlling emotions & TALKING about them are very different. I think if you manage to balance thought & feeling well- then, you don't need to talk about it.

I surely have never complained of anyone not opening up. I understand its difficult & when -IF- a person is comfortable with an other person- in time, they will. If they don't , most likely the problem is you- not them. So stop badgering them.

btw Article Are you saying u don't care if you ARE weak,.. just don't want to LOOK that way.. you seemed to focus on not being seen as weak not the actual true character- just outside perception. I think if a person s strong in action & thought- there feelings r part of something dignified. & Really not the central issue anyways.. in other words- if you respect yourself u don't have to worry about how you sound. It should be an exemplification f who you are. & If you are strong you are not weak.


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